Breathing Deeply
by Andrea0-0
Summary: Lily was a rebellious teenage mess who hasn't spoken to anyone because of a certain incident and James was the only one there who evr thought she would come back.He ended up falling inlove and gettng rejectd and Lily figurd out she had feelings she never
1. Default Chapter

I'm tired of being what you want me to be, Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface, I don't know what you're expecting of me, Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes.  
  
Caught in the undertow Just caught in the undertow Every step that I take is Another mistake to you. Caught in the undertow Just caught in the undertow  
  
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, Become so tired, So much more aware, I'm becoming this, All I want to do, Is be more like me, And be less like you.  
  
Linkin Park-"Numb"  
  
Chapter One The Rebel  
  
I walked through the hall ways of my pathetic school,I knew what they were thinking and they know I know their really dumb even thinking that. Whats that redhead doing alone? She'll be the first to go.I'd hate to be in her shoes. Unlike them I love my shoes they have spikes coming out of the toe and their black boots.I know they critisize them every day they critisize everything about me,just because I turned my back on them in my 5th year,but that was there own fault.They weren't there when I needed them,they were too busy being themselves to try to be my friend when I drifted away so I drifted without them. They always thought the same about me 'Perfect Prefect Lily' they never thought anything different till 5th year,I came back and I finally came back awake,refreshened and they all left me. I continued to walk down the lonesome corridor.No one would probably recognize me,my red hair was infront of my face,unlike what many would assume my hair was naturally red anyways I hadn't spoken to anyone in my common room for over a year and I had done nothing but glared at everyone of them since 5th year and I'm entering the November month and I still hadn't spoken to them.I speak on numerous occasions but just to myself,I only distanced myself from teachers and pupils.Slowly the teachers adjusted to my sudden change,it wans't easy since I was the 'star pupil' in there eyes but they never understood me...they never felt the way that I did...they didn't know.They didn't care either. I didn't look where I was going and let my legs take me to where I was heading,I wasn't looking forward either.I looked down till I slammed to the floor getting my new black fisher pants with the many pockets and chains.I felt my ankle twist because of my untied shoes and heavy spikes. "Oh I am so sorry!"said a voice that I vaguely remembered and didn't wish to either.I brushed the hair out of my face and recognized him as James Potter.He immediantly blushed an helped me up."Sorry Lily,did I hurt you?" I scoffed and tried walking but I was limping,it hurt a lot and I could feel the tears singe in my eyes but I didn't say anything but nodded. "Here let me help you."he said reaching his arm out. I didn't want help and I didn't need help,I was perfectly capable of getting myself up on my own.James was the last person I ever spoke to,I told him off for making fun of Snape. I shoved him off and tried walking.I couldn't,it hurt too much.I let him drag me up,like I was a insignificant crippled rebel. "Lily its okay,I'm not going to do anything.I just want to help you."he said soothingly.I hated those six words,I've heard them enough times.My shrink,the teachers and it was sickening to hear it from people who didn't give a freak about you. I cleared my throat and grabbed my notepad:,"I don't need help and if you want to keep walking me,change the subject please." He laughed,"I get it even though you had to write it." I glared at him.  
  
He left after I got there,like nothing happened but I explained to Madam Pomfrey that I fell cause of my shoes and she gobbled it up.I wrote it of course like I have nothing better to do. "Well Lily,you're free to go,make sure you go to dinner,the new girl is expected." I looked at her weird but then rolled my eyes and walked away.New girl hmm?I wonder who.Well obviously I didn't know but still I wonder how she was.I bet a lot of galleons she would fit perfectly with Alicia Woodmen and Kylie Area group,my old friends. Speak of the devil,they were there as I walked down the dark corridor again.Alicia glared through her crystal blue eyes and looked away with her nose in the air.I rolled my eyes and looke away. "Hey Lily-"said Kylie reluctantly.I stopped in my tracks and pulled up my pants,the chains were weighing it down.I saw her eyes examine me like a telescope on an aneba,useless information I once learned back in muggle elementary;I saw her eyes look at my shoes to my white legs to my pants to my chains and to my shirt which was a black spaghetti stringed corset looking shirt and then to my pale neck with no jewlry except for my crossbone necklace which I don't count and then to my heavy eyelinered eyes and my pale pink lips.She stared helplessly at all my multi colored bracelettes and then said in the same reluctant voice,"Do you want to come with us to eat?" Alicia glared at me and then said,"Look she can't even answer like a normal person,its no use in trying Kylie,the Lily we knew is dead and theres no bringing her back.Lets go Kylie." Kylie looked at her as though they planned this out,"C'mon Lillers (My old nickname they used to call me. Ugh.) eat with us,you haven't is a long time." I looked down in a guilty matter. Alicia scoffed,"There you go.She doesn't.Lets go." I glared at her and Kylie walked away hurt and what was worse was the fact I felt guilty.  
  
I hurried off to the Dormitory,I wanted to finish up a little bit of work.I found the Marauders there,they were in the corner planning mischeiviously. "Oh-"Sirius shocked expression formed into a smile."Its just Lily." "Hey Lily."James said giving me a weak smile.Whatever. I scowled at them.I know they are up to something. "Don't tell on us Lily."Sirius said in a mocked tone,him and Peter started laughing. I came up to him and pushed him and watched him fall to the ground.I scoffed and ran to my Dormitorty. "Good thinking Padfoot."I heard James snap to Sirius. "What are you doing still going after her?She won't even yell at you like she used to!"Sirius said laughing.I balled my hands into fist. "I know the old Lily is still in there-" "What is she hidden under all those chains and black clothing?"scoffed Sirius."Prongs,theres no use,even if she is still there she still won't like you and its not like she'll talk to one of us besides Remus." "No Padfoot!Lily is there,I heard her talking to herself one day when everyone was in Hogsmeade." Sirius made face,I could see it from here in my head,"Well shes depressed and a skitzo!" "Shut up Padfoot!" I felt tears flame at my eyes so I stood up and wiped them off before anyone could notice,I,Lily Evans;never cried infront of people and never will.  
  
I stood infront of the Great Hall pondering whether I should go in or not.I usually never attend social events but this exactly wasn't one,it was just a sorting for a girl who transferred from another school in the UK and dinner.Most people will expect me not to go but I should prove them wrong.I always prove them wrong. I entered and walked past many people who looked at me in bewilderment but then understood why I was alone.No one was ever alone,especially in this period of time when Voldemort was in power. I pitied people who were too scared to whisper the name of a person who should be known not as 'The Dark Lord' or 'Lord Voldemort' but as Voldemort,merely that.Rumors have been flieing that he is planning to attack the school thats why everyones huddled in their groups and everyone find me extra odd.I don't care,I rather die trying to save me then die scared and afraid. My legs carried me over to the end of the table where no on would sit.I sat alone and I watched people look at my outfit,I stared at theirs.They were all wearing their own robes their parents had probably bought them but see my parents couldn't and neither could my sister.I felt my arms grow goosebumps as I thought of them and I felt rage burn in my gut. "Welcome students and teachers,I am sorry for cutting you out of your weekend so early,"his eyes twinkled when he saw all of the students faces,but mine ws blank,he always had a hard time trying to think what I was thinking.He stared at me,or at least I think,for a few seconds and continued,"but due to current events we couldn't have done this any earlier and no one is more regretful than me to see you missing your fun.Prefects and the Head Boy & Girl have been told of this already if I am not mistaken." I looked at him strangely then looked at Remus,he hadn't told us anything about it but unlike me,his face was relaxed and calmed.They must have been discussed it when I was out "sick" last week.I wasn't sick,I just didn't feel like being surrounded by people I don't wish to spend time with.Its not like I said anything anyways right? "Lets continue on with the subject.We have an exchange student from Oxford,London.She was picked out of her school to be sent here and today is the first time she steps on Hogwarts ground." So what else is new?Only another girl for James and Sirius' collection and another dimwit I have to avoid. "Lily will you pay attention!"snapped Alice Magleton who saw me from her side of table all the way down balling into space. "Now Miss Drienne DeLonge will you please come up."Dumbledore said with a small smile.The girl walked up on stage and she had her hair in a spiky twist with two long bangs in the front,she had a black pleeted skirt with white stripes,black fishnets,combat boots,green corset shirt with a fuzzy exterier,well from what I can tell,a lip piercing.Her hair was a very dark black and her eyes were a crystal blue that were dry and glittery.She had eyeliner covering her eyes like recent popstars today do 'em.Her lips had a glossy exterier also.Her face was a pale milky white,like a porcelin. "It looks like Evans lost soul-mate,"I heard my ex-boyfriend Max Macmillon telling his friends,I dated him i n fourth year. The girls boots made a 'cling clang' as she walked to the stool set out from her.Dumbledore placed the hat on her and I watched intentively as the hat mumbled under his breath,I could tell all the first years were enjoying the anticipation because they never do have fun during their sorting.It was quiet as hell in there,no one made a peep or sound,I felt the sick urge to drop my spoon. "GRYFINDOR!"announced the hat after a while,some of the girls moaned as they clapped but I clapped hard.The girl gave Dumbledore a polite smile and walked over to out table.She walked past the firsties,the Marauders,the girls,the nerds,the Head Boy and sat a few seats opposite mine. I saw her stare at her plate attentively,not a tinge of pink entered her porcilen white face. "Erm...Thank Miss DeLonge for joining us."  
  
I noticed that the girl ate none during that period of time she was there,I don't know how she knew the way to our Common Room or the password,because no one had told her.I also noticed that the girls outfit was very thin while everyones elses were thick with coats because of the newly fallen snow in November. Everyone walked to the Dormitory yawning and strenching, but I stayed behind,I wanted more alone time. "Aren't you tired?"I heard a voice say rather annoyed. I shook my head and turned around to see who I was talking to but as I turned my head she appeared infront of me. "Its getting rather late."she went on.I shrugged."You might need your beauty rest."I made a face at her and now she shrugged.She had the weirdest accent ever.It was a cross between a British and Waleish accent.It must have been where she was from."Whats your name?"she asked curiously. I took a deep breath and whispered,"Lily Evans."It was uncanny to hear my voice especially around someone else. "Mines Drienne,pronounced Dr-e-an,just call me Dri pronouced Dre or Drew,I like 'em both."she said pleasantly sitting by me."At the sorting you didn't look too keen on sitting by me or anybody else." I looked up and stared at her for a while,"I don't like to socialize no offense." "None taken."she shrugged."Can I ask why?Or are you a rebel-without-a- cause?" I looked back down and into the flames,"I'm not.No one understands that some cuts don't heal,they never close and they just add salt to them."I looked back up at her and she looked reasonable,like she understood but no one does... "Well Lily,interesting talking to you and getting to know you but I don't do friends and I can see neither do you so later."She walked to some other place but I know it wasn't the Dormitorys.  
  
"Have you seen her?" "Have you talked to her?" "Do you see her boots!" Nonestop the next day the only thing people would talk about was the new girl but not like it made a difference,she still ignored them but she gave me a weak smile. A week passed and her being the "exchange" student wore off but her image didn't,she hung out with a girl named Brody from Ravenclaw who was a year younger,but I never had liked her very much but then again I don't like anyone. I often saw Dri and Brody walking along the frozen lake during breaks,I sat along under the tree smoking a fag to keep warm.I always noticed Brody with a very thick cloak and Dri with a very light fabrics but she looked just as warm as Brody but even a little bit warmer. "Evans!"said a voice from behind me shouted angrily.I stood up in shock,my robe almost piled with snow.Skotos was racing towards me manically.Remus close behind looking very uncomfortable."Mr.Lupin has just informed me that he saw a student smoking and advised me it was from my house but to my luck I find a Gryffindor and to my disapointment its you Miss Evans." I looked at him,I could feel the color drain from my face.I couldn't talk to him,I couldn't.How could I explain myself?I have no home if they expell me!What will I do? "Answer me Evans?"he snapped angrily.I couldn't and I wouldn't. "Its mine Professor,awfully sorry about that mate.Dreadful habit,I got it from my old man and I told Lily to hold it.My mistake,I'll see through it." "You'll see through it in detention Miss DeLonge."with that he left,Remus right behind him not looking back. "Thats dumb mate,do you have a fag to spare?"said Dri with a cheesy smile.Lily handed her one."Thanks mate and I'm not going to repeat that till I need another." Brody stood infront of me and asked quietly,"Why don't you talk?" I shrugged. "Leave her alone mate,she will when she wants!"Dri said rolling her eyes."My cousin,her dad is paying my tuition and she follows me around." I decided I needed someone to talk to even if it was her,not that I minded it being her but everyone needs a confidant and I chose her.  
  
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, Become so tired, So much more aware, I'm becoming this, All I want to do, Is be more like me, And be less like you.  
  
A/N-Took a 10 min break from U.P and came up with this,next ten minute break I'll write the next chappy.Later for now.  
  
//*Andrea Fate fell -short- this time Your *smile* i fades i in i the i s i u i m i m i e i r i Place your ^hand^ in mine I'll /leave\ when I /wanna\ -Blink 182- 


	2. So Numb

I remember shots without a chaser Absent minded thoughts now you're a stranger Cover up the scars put on your gameface Left you in the bar to try and save face  
  
You can only lean on me for so long Bring the ship about to watch a friend drown Sit out on the ledge, begged you to come down You can only lean on me for so long  
  
Chapter Two So Numb  
  
It took me a while to adjust to talking to people and it took an impact on everyone else also.It took none to Alicia but I don't care and I never will. "Watch it!"I said as a kid bumped my shoulder,he stared at me in awe and I made a face at him.Dri and Brody started to laugh. "Here come Potter mate."hissed Dri making a face that imitated his expressions.Brody snickered. "Hey Lily."he said softly,I winced at his voice.Now I had to reply. "'Lo."I said walking past him.I guess I should be nicer to him but I don't think it would matter,he'll never see me as a person. Sirius was right by his side,"Hey ladies,tomorrow,drinks?Our treat at Hogsmeade." I never go to Hogsmeade and just because he said doesn't mean I'll go,I haven't change and I won't change. "I thought it was banned?"I said making a face.Brody looked at Remus canningly."Since Voldemort is on the lose."I said to add effect. "Lily you haven't changed!Loosen up,have fun with life.Take chances."Sirius said throwing a hand aside."I think I liked it better when you were mute." James nudged him in the stomach and Dri and I punched him in the arm. "Sorry."he moaned. "Tomorrow?"Dri said jumping onto it.She looked back at me and Brody."Well we have nothing better to do." I was so used to being quiet I didn't say anything but I didn't need her to make my decisions.I'm not going to go,not enough books in the world to make me go.  
  
Apparently there is enough.Books. I say this because I found myself being dragged out of bed the next day by Dri.She was dressed in a black skirt and black corset shirt.She handed me an outfit that looked exactly like hers except it was inky emerald green,I had fishnets and fishnet gloves. "To keep you warm."she replied when I asked her about it. "Why don't you have 'em?"I said. "I don't need 'em mate."she said then she looked away.Everytime she did that she wouldn't continue the subject strangely enough. I grabbed my crossbone necklace and ring with a spike sticking out of the front.You'd think it was decoration but it was protection incase anyone put a move on me. Brody appeared at breakfast with black pants and a torn gray shirt with a black jacket.Her hair was down,so was mine but still.I ate rapidly and said nothing.I never spoke during meals because there was too much people.Theres a fine line between a group and the whole table. Dri noticed this and smirked,"Hows your food Lily?" I shrugged. She persisted,"C'mon Lils,how is it?Gimme details mate." I saw a few eyes find there way towards mine,I looked down and mumbled,"'Tis okay." "Oh good."and gave a smile of accomplishment. I felt a surge of anger as I ate the rest of my food.  
  
"Tis almost noon.We ought to go now."Dri said checking her watch. "You go."I mumbled. "What?"she said looking back at me. "I don't want to go."I said again."I never went before so I'm not going now.I don't like crowds.Go with Brody and have fun,I'll only be a bugger." "Oy!You said you'd go."Dri said scoffing."Lily,c'mon!" "I don't wanna Dri.Go on without me."I snapped.I had almost forgot to do that,since its been awhile but it came back quickly. "Fine!"Dri said a red tinge entering her porcelin white face.  
  
Later that night,I was sitting by the lake,I stared at the cresent moon who stared back at me,winking at me or maybe my drink was making the illusion.I had gotten these HoneyBeers out of the kitchen,they were stronger than Butterbeer and it had slips of alchohal,I used to sneak down to the kitchen and get out of it and wake up under the tree sick.I've been sober lately though. It was time for vengeance though. I felt giddy and stupid and the sickest urge to kiss someone,but my breath was telling me otherwise. "There you are Evans."said a voice I remembered without a doubt. "Hey Jamey."I said giggleing."Coming to hang out with me?" "On contraire,I'm here to bring you in,its dark and no ones seen you all day.It isn't safe." I started giggleing like crazy,thats usually how it goes down,"Since when is Jamey wamey afraid of a little bit of fun?Stay and have a drink." "Bugger me,you have spoken in a year and a half and you're already going back to call me Jamey wamey."He said sitting down next to me."I'll take one." I giggled,"Thats a good boy.I've always called you Jamey wamey,but never to your face or to anyone else." James grinned and finished the bottle and grabbed another one,he was carrying a bag. "Whatcha got there?"I asked mischieviously. "You don't think I actually came to get you did you?("But you said-")I was kidding and I'm going to join you Lillers.Heres back up."He motioned to the bag. "Lillers?"I giggled weakly."I'm not just saying this because I'm tipsy but I always hated that name." James laughed,"I'm not that tipsy but I always knew that." I laughed and magicked a blue fire to keep warm. "How was your night out?"I said. James shrugged,"Dri and Brody were having a good time with Sirius and Remus,but I got out of there pretty early because I heard people say they didn't know where you've been.I snuck out byt saying I went to the bathroom." "Ew."I said giggleing and hiccuping at the same time,this was particularly fun at the time."I'm going to have a bloody hangover in the morning.Don't remind me." "I won't."he promised.He suddenly became serious then he smirked,"Lily why did you back away from us last year?" I would never have told anyone but I am under the influence of very strong drinks and I don't care,"I'm tired of people thinking they could come to me for answers.I used to think I knew how the world works but mate,I got a very rude awakening.I came home for summer vacation and Vol-he had killed my parents.Everything was destroyed and blood was smothered everywhere.I pratically witnessed the death seeing all that,I saw handprints of blood,probably trying to scamper away and the deathmark hung over every drip of blood.There was a sign that said 'Blood shedded from mud.'Everything I ever learned about him made me think differently about his actions,they weren't just towards wizards they were towards everyone,no ones safe and no one could change it.I can't trust anyone and I can't get too attached.My sister was at the muggle movies so she wasn't killed but she hates me and refuses to talk to me so now during the summer I made enough money to pay for my tuition at a job and my mums sister takes care of me and partially pays for my school.I hate every bloody one of them,and I did not tell you all of that because I'm-" "-tipsy."James said finishing my sentance.I laughed a little bit.I felt a dry tear go down my face. It was my turn to ask a question,"Why does everyone-" I couldn't finish my sentance because James kissed me,on the lips.I didn't pull away,it was perfect.The way he moved his lips,the way he held my head.I dropped my bottle and kissed him in return.I felt him get closer to me and slowly slip in his tongue.I ran my fingers through his ruffled hair and I bumped my nose on his but it didn't matter,I can't believe I'm doing this,but it feels right...I could feel his arms around my back and I stood up. "Lily?"he asked. "Yea?"I said back taking another sip out of my drink. "You know we're only doing this because we're tipsy?" "Yea but lets not care,okay?"I said confidently.He nodded and stood up to kiss me knocking the bottle out of my hand.  
  
The next day I woke up with a stunningly bad headache,I was lying in the Hospital Wing with,what I could tell,James in the other bed.I looked around and I saw my jacket there and fired was lit. "Hello Miss Evans!Thank goodness you're alive!"Madam Pomfrey said with a voice that was still ringing through my ears. "Alive?When was I dead?"I said,my voice my numb and quiet. "Last night Mr.Potter said you passed out because of the cold and your pulse felt faint.I made Mr.Potter stay the night because if he was in the same weather as you,he needed to be inspected.I made an elixer for you to keep you warm today and it takes care of the scent." I looked at her. "I didn't tell Dumbledore but don't let it happen again.Drink it and leave." I drank the elixer and left hurridly.I felt my nose flare and my insides squirm as I thought about what happened,or what I can remember at least.Everything looked blurry and everything made me what to throw up.I should have just went with Dri and Brody it would have been better but no,I was dumb enough to stay. I couldn't hold it in any longer,I raced to the bathroom and let it all out.It was sickening to see it go in the sink but it was grosser keeping it in. "Its okay Lily,let it out,let it all out..."I said to myself,feeling my insides squirm and joint together.I wiped my mouth and looked in the mirror,my lips were swollen and I had bags under my eyes and my hair was everywhere.I combed it with my fingers and the pressed my lips together. I walked out still disappinted with how I look.I ran to the Common Room but half way there I found Dri and Brody. "Lily,mate,you look awful!"Dri said her eyes widening."What happened?" "Fanks Dri,but anyway I had a little fight with the ugly stick over a drink of Honeybeer and it won."I felt my insides squirm."Dri I really need rest,I'm going to go sleep please don't tell anyone where I am." "Swear to Bob."she said grinning.  
  
I entered there and found Sirius, Remus and Peter sitting but as soon as I entered they stood up. "What?"I snapped. "Hangover is marked all over your face,so what yea do besides party all night with James?"Sirius asked,his voice sounded so loud at this point. "Will you shhh!"I said annoyed."Nothing happen!" "I beg to differ."he said in a whisper."James hasn't been here all night." James entered the room looking just as sick as I did,"Lily I need to talk to you." "Not right now James.I'm not that up to it."I could feel a red tinge enter my flushed cheeks. "Please Lils,now or never." I would prefer it to be never,"Now I guess than." I walked dazed outside where we were yesterday. I spoke first,"What exactly happened yesterday?" "We were both a little erm...tipsy and we made out...a lot but then you stood up and fell again and I ran to help you up.Thats it." I let a sigh of relief,"We can't ignore what happened-" James looked at me,but it was a different look than his usual ones,"Lily,I know we've barely started talking and you literally just started talking...well again but last night didn't happen on accident and I can't ignore it and I like you Lily,a lot.I always did even when you backed away." I took a step back,"It was an accident James and I just want to be friends."This couldn't be happening. James kissed me again and I felt my insides go numb and I wanted it to go on forever .I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him harder.Why was this so wrong if it felt so perfect?This was happening all too fast,it was overwhelming.I felt helpless,I felt stuck and no one was there to pull me out. I pulled away,"Leave me alone James."I ran away even if I felt as sick as ever.  
  
A/N-That song was 'Man Overboard' by Blink 182,one of the funniest band ever and the coolest people I have ever seen. Have you guys heard the rumor about their new album being all "mature" well anyway I hope you liked this chapter cause I did! 


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